Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force. -Tom Blandi
I have a friend who likes to say “I (heart) my attitude problem” – she loves her attitude problem, she’s proud of it, she parades it in front of anyone who will listen. She’s got a bad attitude, and she doesn’t want to fix it – and that’s one form of attempting to control. She alienates a whole lot of people with her bad attitude, thereby proving to herself repeatedly that she’s unlovable and unacceptable. Maybe you have that kind of twist on control issues, or maybe yours looks more like this:
• “Don’t worry; I’ve got it handled.”
• “If I follow this specific diet and exercise plan, I will lose weight, and everything will be okay.”
• “If I can schedule it, I can plan for it.”
• “I’ve mapped it, scheduled it, programmed it, imagined it, and now it’s going to happen exactly that way.”
• “Sure, I can do all of this by tomorrow.”
• “If I could figure out what to do to prevent him/her/it from acting that way, I wouldn’t be suffering.”
How often have you said one or more of the above, all the while thinking distressing secret thoughts that go more like this:
• “I’m a liar, liar, pants on fire – but maybe I won’t get busted – this time.”
• “What am I thinking?! This is insane!”
• “If I talk enough, or move fast enough, no one will notice that this is a disaster spinning out of control.”
• “Who am I kidding? I can’t even control what I put in mouth for 24 hours, let alone anything else.”
We all have illusions of control, to varying degree. That’s fine – sometimes it’s even protective. But the problems occur when you don’t realize your illusion of control is actually an illusion, you believe your own phony story about precisely how in charge you are, or you slip over to the opposite side, believe you have no control over anything at all, and stop taking charge of what you can control.
Awesomely enough, however, your attitude IS within your control. You cannot control the weather, your mother, most of your hormonal fluctuations, or the state of the economy. You can’t even control the emotions that flow through you. But you can control your response to those emotions (getting stuck in them vs. letting them flow freely), your attitude towards life in general (pessimism vs. optimism), a goodly number of the people you hang out with, the influences you expose yourself to, and a host of other things. How about focusing your energy on the few things you truly can control?
Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D. is a Health Psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California. She specializes in counseling women and couples who are coping with infertility, PCOS, and related endocrine disorders and chronic illnesses.
If you would like to learn more about Dr. HOUSE or her practice, or obtain referrals in the Los Angeles area, please visit her website at www.drhousemd.com, or e-mail her at Gretchen@drhousemd.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @askdrhousemd.