This post continues our mini-series on PCOS and the grief process. Today, we’ll focus on anger, which is the second stage of the grief model known as DABDA (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Anger is a tricky emotion. People often label anger as bad, or undesirable. They deny it, refute it, avoid it, hide it, and act out around it. Anger and sadness that feel unmanageable are two of the most common reasons people show up in my office.
In death and dying, the person who is dying may be angry at god, the doctors, herself, her family, the guy who gave her the disease, the environment, and a number of other things. Likewise, the loved ones who are losing someone may have the same types of anger. In chronic illness, we may have the same targets for our anger, which may result in self-hatred, low self-esteem, acting out, and damaged relationships.
There is SO much to be angry about when it comes to PCOS, I’m sometimes surprised that we’re not all raging, all the time. At various times in learning that you have PCOS, and then starting to deal with it, and then just living with it for a long time, you might experience anger towards:
• God, because you have it
• The universe, for creating this thing
• Doctors, because they can’t cure it
• Your parents, because they gave you the genes that cause it
• Any woman who doesn’t have it
• Men, because they can’t have it
• The medical industry, because they haven’t cured it either
• Your body, because it’s not working “right”
• Other people, for not understanding
• Anyone who has children, if you want them and don’t or can’t have them
• Anyone who seems to enjoy perfect health, in spite of living an obviously unhealthy lifestyle (think, daily consumer of fast food who still has a perfect cholesterol panel, and no weight issues)
• Yourself, for not doing your self-care better, or more perfectly
• Any other medical professional, personal trainer, or other well-meaning individual you’ve ever encountered who said something stupid, irrelevant, pointless, misdirected, or just generally lame, in an effort to get your body to behave
• Dieticians who tell you what to eat without understanding your particular brain chemistry
All of this anger might lead you to act out, which could look like:
• Eating whatever you want, whenever you want – in spite of knowing better
• Failure to exercise – again, in spite of knowing better
• Overspending – because if you’re going to be fat, you might as well look good
• Unhealthy sexual behavior – “I’ll take whatever I can get, since no one would want me otherwise.”
• Manifesting other illnesses that are stress-related
• Being verbally or emotionally abusive towards your spouse, your kids, or others
Note that these things are not purely related to anger; they may also be indicators of other conditions, including mental health disorders.
These are big lists, and you are absolutely right to have a lot of anger about a lot of things related to PCOS. But you can’t live in anger all the time. Well, you can, but it’s surely not a healthy choice. So, how do you deal with all this anger, and get it out of your system, so you can move on to something more productive? And why do you even need to do that in the first place? I believe you need to get over the anger for the simple reason that Freud was right on this count – anger turned inwards becomes depression, and we’ve already got enough trouble with that, given the hormonal set-up we’re dealing with. Also, it tends to lead to negativity, self-hatred, and a more pessimistic perspective, none of which is helpful.
You can get rid of your anger in a lot of ways. Journaling, talking to friends, and talk therapy are certainly good choices. Creative expressions may help as well – creating collages, photographs, movies, music, or poetry that express your feelings are all great. I don’t like to encourage violence, but some clients report that there can be some great satisfaction in doing things like playing one of those video games where things explode when you hit them.
In other words, anger is actually a healthy emotion, but you’ve got to handle it the right way. Next week, we’ll address the concept of bargaining, in the context of grieving your PCOS.
Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D. is a Health Psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California. She has completed the inCYST training. She specializes in counseling women and couples who are coping with infertility, PCOS, and related endocrine disorders and chronic illnesses.
If you would like to learn more about Dr. HOUSE or her practice, or obtain referrals in the Los Angeles area, please visit her website at www.drhousemd.com, or e-mail her at AskDrHouseMD@gmail.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @askdrhousemd.