I recently met with a client who shared with me that she had befriended the woman at the deli counter where she and her husband shopped. The friendship was based on my client accepting free samples from the deli woman. I suggested to my client that perhaps this friendship may be interfering with her desire to become healthy. I challenged her to not accept the free food, and based on the results of that exercise, to decide for herself if this friendship was supporting her new changes.
Here is what happened, in the words of my client.
As the grocery store delicatessen incident goes:
[My husband} and I as we were doing our usual groceries approached the delicatessen for our orders with the usual friendly stout Russian woman, a person whom I have spoken on friendly terms on numerous occasions. This time I decided to decline the generous samples she doles out to me and was politely reminded by my husband to do so.
Upon telling the deli clerk that I wouldn't be having any samples today, she asked if I had already gone out to dinner and as to why not. I responded that I was trying not to snack between meals and also that my husband was watching.
She instantly became agitated, asking how long we had been married. I responded in kind that we have been together for 16 years and married for 10. She then asked if we had children, knowing that we did not.
When I responded no, we have no children, she further inquired as to why we had no children. I politely told her that I had a medical condition and as I'm in my forties I have chosen not to.
She then asked me if I can have children. I responded that if I wanted to have children I already would have. I felt she was one breath away from asking me if I was ever pregnant or have had an abortion but did not do so.
During this fiasco, my husband was standing ten feet away and heard every unpleasant aspect of this conversation.
I took my order and thanked her, being that much wiser not to convey my personal life to people who are less than acquaintances. This woman I felt has put a lot of emphasis on being a mother having had a few children and was basically comparing her attributes to mine. I left the store feeling negative and disgusted for having walked into that grocery store. I sure learned my lesson!
What my client shared when she called to tell me this story, was that initially, when I had suggested that sometimes friends are friends for unhealthy reasons, she had thought I might be off on some meaningless tangent. Then she saw the dynamic in action.
When we decide to make changes, everyone around us has to change. Those who support us, who are in our lives for reasons that are healthy, will do their best to accommodate the change. But there are often people in our lives for reasons that do not have much to do with friendship. It's about filling a need in THEIR agenda.
The first response many people have when someone they thought was a friend responds hurtfully as my client described above, is to want to soothe the other person's feelings. To do so, unfortunately, requires compromising your own needs so that the other person is taken care of. I am very grateful that my client's husband was there to provide support and to keep the momentum going in a healthy direction.
We spoke about how this woman felt rejected, and in the moment, likely didn't have any other avenues of connection with which to be friends with my client. My client's decision to not eat the samples has presented a challenge. At this point, what happens to the friendship can go either way. Sometimes changes require time.
I never could have dreamed, when I shared my thoughts about the deli woman, that the incident would play itself out in such an eye-opening fashion so soon after. But I'm grateful for the fact that my client had this opportunity to experience how the world works when it comes to behavior change. It's important to surround yourself with people and situations that promote that change. Having to justify yourself every step of the way to people who may not see benefit from YOUR changes…may be the crack in the foundation that prevents your success.