•“If I have a bite of this, I’ve ruined my eating plan, so I might just as well go ALL the way and eat whatever I want for the rest of the day (or week, or month, or the next time a doctor strikes fear in my heart).”
•“There’s NOTHING I can do to fix PCOS anyway – I can’t make it go away – might as well just (fill in the blank with your favorite unhealthy habit).”
•“I’ve been doing EVERYTHING possible to stabilize my hormones, and it’s just not working (so I’m going to a) quit taking fish oil; b) quit going to the doctor; c) ignore the glycemic index).”
•“NOTHING changes in my body, no matter how much I exercise (might as well resume sleeping in and skip the gym).”
How often have you said something like the above, internally or out loud? These are examples of ALL or NOTHING thinking, which is a self-destructive kind of thinking pattern that drags you down. Whenever we get into this kind of bifurcated, black and white mode, it’s a cue that there’s probably some self-sabotaging going on, or we’re looking for an excuse to cover the damage that’s already been done. And there’s sure to be guilt that follows, as well as confusion, delay, and indecision, and all sorts of other thoughts and feelings that slow you up for a bit.
I’m reminded of the rules for fighting fair in a couples relationship – warning bells should ring when one of you starts saying ALL or NOTHING. While many things in life are non-negotiable (death, taxes, and the DMV regulations come to mind), much, if not all, of our personal behavior and relationships can be negotiated. Certainly, most aspects of health care are an ongoing negotiation. You’ve got negotiations with your family, restauranteurs who offer up unhealthy foods, medical providers, mental health practitioners, and of course, your SELF!
These latter ones – the negotiations with your self – are often the most tricky. We have very clever brains that can manufacture excuses for just about anything, especially when there are gourmet cupcakes involved. We manipulate our brains into thinking that something is ALL bad, or ALL good. We create all sorts of angst deciding where the lines are, and what the consequences are (or aren’t) if we cross them. We make up crazy rules (they often include the words ALL or NOTHING) that we’re bound to violate – thus giving us space to do what we really wanted to do in the first place. Food and exercise are the obvious and highly relevant examples, but this kind of thinking pollutes work interactions (“you NEVER give me enough time to finish projects”), friendships (“you’re ALWAYS late for our lunch dates”), and other relationships.
Be mindful of the times you start using or over-using the words ALL, NOTHING, ALWAYS, and NEVER. When you notice yourself starting to use some or all of those words, pause. The more you’re saying them, the more you’re dancing around your own boundaries. Yes, I said it.
You’re responsible for making your own rules. Almost ALL of them. Might as well make them healthy, functional rules that respect the fact that most of life is, indeed, quite gray.
Gretchen Kubacky, Psy.D. is a Health Psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles, California. She has completed the inCYST training. She specializes in counseling women and couples who are coping with infertility, PCOS, and related endocrine disorders and chronic illnesses.
If you would like to learn more about Dr. HOUSE or her practice, or obtain referrals in the Los Angeles area, please visit her website at www.drhousemd.com, or e-mail her at AskDrHouseMD@gmail.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @askdrhousemd.